2 posts tagged “puppy”

I've been thinking a lot about TJ lately...because he confuses me, mainly.

I don't understand.

He seems to be convinced that he's boring me, or that I don't like him, or that I'm just putting up with him, or that I'm not happy. And he's wrong on all those counts. Yes, I do get bored at his house when he has D&D club over because I'm not into that and takes that in the completely wrong light.

It's not that I'm bored; I don't know how to act. He confuses me. He lets me get close but then he keeps me at arms length. It sends me so many mixed signals. Things haven't been the same since we had that talk about everything that's been going on.

I know I'm not making any sense. It's because I'm confused. I've never wanted something like this, and then once I get into it, he starts confusing me with mixed signals and I go along with what he's doing because I think that's what he wants, when in fact, it's just him "playing the role".

Do you see me as someone who wants that sort of thing? Do you see me as someone like her? I want to prove to you that I'm not like that -- I'm not her. I don't want the same things. I get confused as to where its stops and where that starts. It's not lust, it's barely even physical.

We only kiss. We only hug.

I'm happy with that.

I'm happy that you don't have expectations. I don't want expectations. I have none. Nothing to give, nothing to want from you, just you the way you are.

I know where I'm happy.

I just wish he wouldn't get bored when I'm around. He likes me he doesn't like that I don't do anything -- I'm not creative.

I'm just "cute".

That's what he keeps saying to me. I don't know how much of that is me playing the role.

I know that we're going to be okay. I want to talk to him and then I know that we'll be okay. But then I keep getting scared that we're not. I hate being so confused.

Kat tries to help out but I keep looking at us and comparing us to her failed relationship. I don't know what's right and what's irreperable between two people. I don't know what's just me being a girl and what's truly a problem.

I love my puppy...not TJ...there's a part of him that I love -- the part that's my puppy. I love that part. If only he could stop confusing me and just talk to me about it, I know we'll be fine. I should have never gotten into this.

The one thing that I love about my Vox is that it's a secret. It's one of the few secrets that I have been able to keep over the past year. Yes, Christine introduced me to it, but aside from Kata, none of the friends to whom I talk to on a regular basis know about this account.

I feel that this gives me an opportunity to talk about things in a more open manner, allowing myself to use a voice that I often don't show because I get called out on it.

I have one friend who has a habit of doing that...she calls me out whenever I'm not "acting like myself" which causes quite a few identity crises that eat and eat at me. It's not to the point where I can't talk to her about it, but its a noticible problem to me.

That's not what this post is about, though. This part is about Vox.

There's something about the site that just calms me in that weird, nostalgic way. It reminds me a lot of DailySonic -- making you feel like you're connected to everyone -- the way that it shows tiny little "this is good" things that make you smile.

It's a calm place for me where I can talk how I want without much fear of being judged.

What else?

Hm...this part is about TJ.

I like the way that TJ doesn't have any expectations for me. Words can't describe how much I love that he doesn't want the expected "physicality" in our relationship. We hug and we kiss and we're such good friends but a lot more than that. I get confused, a lot, and he puts up with that. He comforts me when I'm having a bad moment and tries to walk me through my uncertainties. He takes care of me...and it's always worth the wait. It's always worth the wait for his friends to leave, or the few minutes that we get alone outside by his car before he takes me home for the night. Just the hugs...just letting him hold me...he makes me feel so safe.

We don't love each other -- not yet. We've agreed not to say those words until we're absolutely sure. I like that.

..

I want my puppy.