1 post tagged “introspective”

Yesterday was a day when I looked into the mirror and sort of...smiled at myself, because I knew I looked good. I felt good. I felt clean, healthy, my hair wasn't frizzing, my boobs were exactly the right size and I looked thinner than I actually felt.

Today wasn't one of those days.

All day, I felt like my clothes didn't fit, my acne was acting up, my stomach was sagging over my belt and I felt like I had just taken a bath in grease.

It's hard work, being a girl.

But still, despite all that, I called up David and asked if he wanted to hang out at his house today. He said he wasn't doing anything, so, after rooting around in my cupboard for a bag of chips and a six-pack of Sunny-D, I convinced my mom to give me a ride over to his house.

Normally, whenever I go over to David's I always phone up Kat, or Kim, or Stine. But no one was answering their phones today, so...I panicked, to tell the truth. As most of my friends found out in the past couple of years, I have had a major crush on David since we were both in sixth/seventh grade, and I'd known him since second.

I take pride in the fact that I've never dated and that I've never had a boyfriend or been adamant about the concepts of sex and drugs. I sort of look at it as my last few ties to childhood. That, plus the fact that I'm insanely stubborn when it comes to these things have never allowed me to tell David about my feelings for him.

Okay. Fast-forward to the present.

I don't know how I feel about David anymore. Yeah, I adore him as a friend because he's one of the few guys that I know that I can actually hang around, but the thing is...I don't know if I like him in *that* sense anymore. But the more I think about it, the weirder it seems.

I think this ties into the fact that, especially recently, I've been "seeing things" in people. Now, whenever I look at a friend of mine, my mind automatically goes to whatever flaws they show, and I manage to dislike them a little bit more because of it. Angie, I'm holding out on. I know that she'll turn into a great person later on, and she just needs to grow up a little. Jess...I've given up on. I can't deal with her anymore. Kim makes me sad because of the way she berates herself. Stine never has any initiative. Kat has the tendency to be selfish and apathetic. And David...David's going to be just fine in five or ten years.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but it's two-thirty in the morning and I have to wake up in six hours. I'm kind of glad that nobody I *know* reads this journal. Over the past few months, I've discovered that it doesn't matter what you say. What matters is who hears it.

Wasn't there a point to this post? Oh. Riiight. David.

I got to his house at about three o'clock. He was watching his new Dead Like Me DVD set, and since I knew no one else was coming, I was fine with continuing to watch. That's the one thing I love about being with David; we agree. If you get him, me, and Kat together on the weekends, there's always a lot of conflict because Kat doesn't have the best attention span and is very selective about what to watch. If we have Kim with us, it's harder to get things done because the three of us are far more likely to pause and talk about things with each other. But...put me and David together, and six of the eight hours are going to be spent in silence. We're comfortable with not talking because...well...we just are. We agree.

We watched the first episode of Dead Like Me, played Resident Evil 4, played TimeSplitters while listening to music, watched Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, and then watched four more episodes of Dead Like Me before going upstairs to watch an episode of Firefly with his parents until I had to leave.

It's harder to laugh with David.

Not that he isn't funny, because he can be, in the intellectual sense. But it's just so much harder to laugh out loud with him. Even when we were watching Kung Pow, I found it hard to laugh because he's so internal. I am as well, as some may know, but something about it just feels uncomfortable to me, and part of the time, I was forcing myself to laugh out loud because...well...I suppose I wanted him to laugh with me.

But we relaxed. Halfway through my third Sunny-D and Diet Coke, we started to talk a little more, and just relaxed more in general. We watched about four episodes of Dead Like Me in a row, with him on the other couch, idly drawing, and me idly watching (once in a while) from my couch. It became easier to laugh. We talked a bit about the Firefly MMO and how bad Coyote Ragtime Show was.

For the last half hour, we watched Firefly upstairs with his mom and dad, me interjecting a random piece of knowledge about the show every now and then. (Simply because I just know everything about Firefly.) And...when ten o'clock rolled around, I didn't want to go. Not just because of the final scene with Jayne in the air-lock, but because I love just being quiet and watching movies or TV shows with David and his family. I love how he's always fidgeting with his hands because he gets restless if he's not doing anything. I love how sarcastic and snarky his father is. And I love how his mom will make us cookies or apple crisp when we come over. That house is my second home. I loved it when I was nine, and I love it now. Even though I know that David and I could never "get together," I still want him to stay by my side, and be my friend. That's all I could ever really ask for.

Aww...look at what Vox has made me do...I've gone and started to reminisce.

Until next time, folks.